-Thanks to Lizzy for creating the Bio-Rama page and letting me post my own OC Jodi Harte :) Click on the image to visit Bio-Rama!

Wednesday, 23 February 2011


I don't even know what to call this.
I don't even have a lot to say right now.
I kind of really want to tell you: all of you, every single detail. I want to spill everything that's going on in my head onto paper where i can be certain my words won't fall off the lines. I really wish I could do all that: but writing down what I've been through this year makes it all real. It sort of pushes aside the fact that i made really amazing friends on Blogger and points out the fact that hey look, she went through a heck of a load of crap, didn't she?
I don't want to do that.
Not to you.
Before i try explaining - i don't even know if i can yet - I'm going to catch up on somethings:
*If you had your birthday while i was away, then Happy Birthday to you
*Someone got married...? I don't know how where or who, i just saw something about it on those lines. Whoever you are, congrats.
*Thank you Hellboy for posting. This is the first time I've been back on for 28days, and seeing that you posted and mentioned me made my Day. So thank you, it gave me the courage to post again.
Right. So hopefully you understand that i have some troubles going on at home, and that i can't post as frequently, and i'm not even sure when i'll finish the next part of Jodi Harte, but i need you all to know i haven't avoided you. I haven't chosen not to go on here. It wasn't because i didn't see the point or couldn't be bothered. I simply had a lot going on and I needed to clear my head about everything, and i'm trying to do that now.
So, how exactly is this going to happen? I want to be active, but i'm not sure how that's going to work around stuff at home. I can't promise that i'll be back on tomorrow, or that i can stay up all night like i used to, i want to, more than anything i do, and if i can't give you that, then I guess my only promise to you all is that I'll post at least once a month to tell you what's going on in my head. I'll try to comment as much as possible, and I'll try to get back on track with everyone. I love you all, and i don't really want to let go of you now.
Okay, so I'm making this clear: you are all my friends. I love you so so much, but I have found someone else to talk to as well. She's been though the things I've been through, and she's been though more. Some of it she's still going through, so we're kind of supporting each other at the moment. Let's call her... Amy. Yeah, okay, me and Amy talk a lot on Instant messaging sites and e-mails and things. Sometimes we have days where we feel like no one understands so we send each other a e-mail about what's going on and how we feel. Then the other sends back saying if they've ever been through it, what to do, words of guidance etc. etc. etc. She's been there a lot for me lately, and even though i can't talk about it with you, i am talking to someone.
I get that this must suck, hearing that i'm talking with someone that i've only known for a couple of months when i've know you for longer. I get that. I'd be annoyed too. Because, you're probably thinking 'why can't lenka talk to us? to me?' and the answer is simpler than you think. If i tell you, you lot just become another support group, not my best friends. You'd become more like someone i can dump my troubles on, not someone i can have fun in a fandom with. Even if you didn't see the situation like that, I would, and that's what scares me. i don't want to lose you.
Did you know that the NHS have no counciling schemes set up for Children under 18?
Me and my Mum were thinking about getting me someone to talk to about everything, away from the computer and in real life. We asked and they don't have any set up or planned. They say it got cut due to the government's choices to try and save money on the funds.
Just saying. That's sort of confused me. It made me feel like everyone who has something they needed to talk about couldn't talk about it. Like we were being pushed away because we're under 18 and don't understand life.
I have to go now. It's 01:40am here on the 23rd.
I love you guys, don't forget it. Thank you, your comments meant a lot to me.


  1. *Hugs Lenka*
    Lenka. It's a joy to hear from you. It's ok if tha's how yu want to do things. Sounds like Amy needs you as much as you need her. I'm glad you have someone to talk to. Hopefully someday we can have some of those funny random chats again.
    In the meantime...I'm glad you are doing what's best for you. That's important.
    I know that you will post your stories when you are able. I'm not worried about that. :D
    We love you to Lenka and always will. Don't worry about lossing us. We will be here for you as much as we can.
    Hang in there Lenka! You are an amazing person!
    Thanks SO much for the post! You made my day!

  2. Thank God you posted.

    And i completely understand why you can't tell us. I am said to be caring by my family and friends, although secretly i've never really been able to give good counseling to others.

    I know a good friend who is a counselor, tho. I would ask him if you wanted to talk to him. But then again, when i told him about blogger and the awesome friends i have on here, he just laughed and made some rude comment about you all being 50 yr old peods.

    He's not my counselor, thank goodness.

    It is good to know that you will be getting on blogger when you can. I look forward to talking again.

    I dunno if you can send happiness through a computer...hmm...


    *Sends a message or item

    /send awesomeness

    *Awesomeness unfortunately can not be sent. It must be gained.

    /gain awesomeness_Lenka

    *Player_Lenka has already achieved maximum awesomeness, no more can be gained.

    /send happiness_Lenka

    *Player_Hellboy is extremely happy. Sending amount of happiness to Player_Lenka.

    *ERROR: Happiness has exceeded normality ERROR*



  3. '.....Gotta get myself back to Hogwarts....where everyone knows i'm cool......'

  4. Right back atcha, Kal. But it's a line from 'A very Potter Musical' which Lenka likes.

  5. Hmmm....I really should watch that sometime.

    *backs away as Lenka glares at her*

    Oh GOSH! I've been meaning too! I SWEAR!!!

    *runs off into the hills waving her arms wildly while screaming crazily*

    *gets struck by 999,999,999 bolts of lighting*

  6. Hi Lenka!


    I told you Kal, 999,999,999 is NOT a lucky number!


  7. "I love you all." *pause* "Except you, Draco, I can't f****** stand you."

    -Darren Cris, 'A very Potter musical'

    LOL I just finished watching AVPM, I'm now moving on to 'A very Potter Sequel'.
    Thanks for the idea, Lenka.

  8. ...finished 'A very Potter sequal.' It was way better than the musical because you started to see all of the little habits that everyone started to pick up.

    Dumbledore: Disapperate!
    Everyone: Ahh! Magic!
    Umbridge: Snape! Where the hell did Dumbledore go!
    Snape: Um...he disapperated...
    Umbridge: That's bullsh*t Snape, EVERYONE knows that you can't disapperate in and out of Hogwarts! Right?
    Crowd: Right!
    Umbridge: Yeah!

    Lol it's so true. I forgot about that part when i was reading the book...and now i just realized that Dumbledore went against his own

  9. I want to watch 'A very Potter sequal' but can't find it on youtube.


    That's part one. But it only gets really funny in part 2.

  11. LOL Thanks Hellboy!

    Droping by to say Hi Lenka! Thinking of you and hoping you are doing OK.

  12. I'm thinking of having your character doing something over the top in my fanfic, Lenka. I've been thinking about it for a while.
    I mean, it IS fiction and set in a magical enviorment. SO what I'm thinking for Jodi COULD work in my story.
    Not sure if I'm a skilled or clever enough writer to pull it off though, Lenka. :P
    I'm not sure I can write out the events leading up to Jodi's not so little umm...job.
    I guess if it comes down to it, I can write the after effects of Jodi's actions and leave it to the reader to use thier imagination. :P

  13. Hey Lenka, it's been about 15 days now, and i was kind of wondering if you might drop by or something. Maybe do another post, a happy one. I'm not sure. Please?

  14. Hey Lenka. Hope you are doing ok. I recently watched AVPM and it's brilliant. Sounds like Amy is a great help. Hope your life picks up.

    We are all here for you.

  15. So I wrote this poem for Mary but the message applies to you too.

    The Loss of Hiashiness

    I used to have ambitions
    I had hopes and goals and dreams
    But my dreams remain unfinished
    And my hopes are just extremes.

    My wishes are impossible
    I long for childish things
    And for people to respect me
    And to fly with golden wings.

    For life it seems so drab and grey
    You work then breathe your last
    For the future came to nothing
    But a wistful broken past.

    I used to think I’m special
    In a way that I could be
    More important than diamonds
    More powerful than the sea

    But the nightmares overcame me
    With my fears and tears and screams
    Crushing all of my ambitions
    Whilst reality quells my dreams

    And I wonder why my family
    Ignores my own belief
    Why don’t they accept me... well as me?
    Why cause me pain and grief.

    My soul is shattered
    My minds breaks
    My body yearns
    My heart aches

    For you’ve asked the greatest question
    Which is simply labelled Why?
    What’s the point at all in living
    When eventually you die.

    For humanity is temporary
    And all things end with time
    And this knowledge is our burden
    We perceive it as a crime

    Does the universe have meaning?
    Only if you give it one
    If nobody appreciates it
    Why has it begun?

    Nature’s only beautiful
    When viewed by human eyes
    Unobserved it comes to nothing
    As do clouds in endless skies

    For life has deeper meaning
    We can learn and we can love
    We can try to create order
    From the chaos far above

    Why we live I do not know
    But there is fun and laughter
    And I don’t think that it matters
    To the happily ever after

    Life is meant for living
    So enjoy its little treasures
    Such as humour and surprises
    And manifold other pleasures

    Such as poetry and literature
    And your own imagination
    The sunshine and the crystal rain
    A starry constellation

    So treasure every moment
    For life keeps moving on
    And the Earth will keep on spinning
    Long, long after you are gone

    You dream a dream of impossible things
    But at least you dream at all
    And hope still burns inside you
    Though the candle may be small

    You are special, you have purpose
    And I wish you “Blessed be”
    You are loved and you’re befriended
    You’re Miss Mary Hiashi

  16. Life gets really weird sometimes doesn't it?

    We are suppose to get a snow storm in a few days. It's unhappy news to hear when it's th emiddle of March. I'm SO ready for Spring! :P
    I just KNOW I'm gonna get Spring fever REALLY BAD!!! I'm going to want to want to go car surfing and do anything wild and crazy out side. Happens every year!
    I'm staying home from school today because I'm ill. (or am I?) >;P tee hee!

    I'll work on my story. Got the part about you done. At least the 1st part for this chapter. Need to tweek it a bit. (some might say a lot) :P
    Need to add some bits. Starting to tear my hair out over it. I think I may be bald when I'm through! (that should be interesting!)

    Oh! Check it out! Hellboy has created a place for all the oc's! It's AWESOME!!!!

    Elysium Asylum

    It's an awesome idea that is already being used in many fanfics out there!
    So far by the newbies! LOL
    Got a lot of them coming on. Very cool people who's talent I'm very in awe of. :D

  17. I think I'm losing it.

    Maybe it's the headache, or the feeling I have in my stomach right now that speaks all kinds of bad. Maybe, it's nothing at all.
    I just wrote a huge comment. On here. It got lost on it's way when I clicked the post button. I think it's good that it did.
    You wouldn't of wanted to read it. It probably would of made it all worse.
    I miss you, Lenka. I know that this post in itself is meant to quell those feelings, but it isn't.
    I'd like to think that somewhere in the UK you're reading this, and that it gives you hope to relply again, but really....I don't know. I hate having to wait like this, in complete uncertainty of where my friend is.

    You are truly amazing, Juliet. And I want you to be online again, to be here with me. With everyone.


  18. She sits there,
    Alone, yet not.

    The house is empty,
    All others gone out for their own purposes.
    And she is left,
    Thinking her own thoughts in the stillness that engulfs the building.

    Why couldn’t she visit them again? The moment the thought makes it’s way to her head,
    She banishes it; she has her reasons.
    They can go on without her-for maybe just a little longer.

    ‘It’s not like they miss me, she thinks.
    It’s not like they want or need me back.
    I could just leave for good; they’d forget me pretty quick, I’d imagine.’

    ‘Heck, how many of them would really like to see me back? What, two?
    I wouldn’t be hurting anyone if I left them.’

    Still, she sits there, staring at the screen, unsure what to do.

    Her hand moves, and a pointer on the screen does so as well.
    It hovers over a neglected shortcut link,
    To her own little world, her own little slice of the Blogosphere.
    And she clicks it once.

    She is so close.
    One comment, a word, a ‘glomp’.
    And then she would see where it would take her from there.

    But she doesn’t click the second time.

    ‘They don’t really care…
    I’ll leave them be-just a little while longer…’

    I freaking dare you.

    Because there is no way in Hell that you would be forgotten or missed.
    I don’t know your intentions, your thoughts. I only know what I’m told.
    And right now, I’m being told nothing.

    Enlighten me, friend; Why aren’t you responding?

    I check here everyday. I wait hopefully for a return. A comment, a kind word. From you.

  19. Stuff this. I'm not being helpful in the slightest.

    I'll still check here. I'll still wait. But I think that I might keep my thoughts to myself for a bit. I'm not being a very good friend, right now.

  20. Well I think Hellboy makes an awesome friend!

    Just poping in to see if you have been around Lenka. I check every day here and on Hellboy's blog.
    I've been praying for you and hope you have found someone there where you are to give you the understanding and support you need.
    We will be here waiting for you Lenka. You mean a lot to us and have made the blog a wonderful place to be.
    Some other people have dissapeared briefly due to horrible testing and such. Octa, Mary, Darkane, and Skylara are some. Sarthacus is writing a book so we have not seen him around lately.
    As for me. I have stuck around like a really nasty cold that one can't get rid off! :P
    After three months, I have fineally writen my next chapter. You are in it. I actually like the part, unlike the rest of my story. :P

    After this I will end this story as quick as possible and never write again! :P