I don't even know what to call this.
I don't even have a lot to say right now.
I kind of really want to tell you: all of you, every single detail. I want to spill everything that's going on in my head onto paper where i can be certain my words won't fall off the lines. I really wish I could do all that: but writing down what I've been through this year makes it all real. It sort of pushes aside the fact that i made really amazing friends on Blogger and points out the fact that hey look, she went through a heck of a load of crap, didn't she?
I don't want to do that.
Not to you.
Before i try explaining - i don't even know if i can yet - I'm going to catch up on somethings:
*If you had your birthday while i was away, then Happy Birthday to you
*Someone got married...? I don't know how where or who, i just saw something about it on those lines. Whoever you are, congrats.
*Thank you Hellboy for posting. This is the first time I've been back on for 28days, and seeing that you posted and mentioned me made my Day. So thank you, it gave me the courage to post again.
Right. So hopefully you understand that i have some troubles going on at home, and that i can't post as frequently, and i'm not even sure when i'll finish the next part of Jodi Harte, but i need you all to know i haven't avoided you. I haven't chosen not to go on here. It wasn't because i didn't see the point or couldn't be bothered. I simply had a lot going on and I needed to clear my head about everything, and i'm trying to do that now.
So, how exactly is this going to happen? I want to be active, but i'm not sure how that's going to work around stuff at home. I can't promise that i'll be back on tomorrow, or that i can stay up all night like i used to, i want to, more than anything i do, and if i can't give you that, then I guess my only promise to you all is that I'll post at least once a month to tell you what's going on in my head. I'll try to comment as much as possible, and I'll try to get back on track with everyone. I love you all, and i don't really want to let go of you now.
Okay, so I'm making this clear: you are all my friends. I love you so so much, but I have found someone else to talk to as well. She's been though the things I've been through, and she's been though more. Some of it she's still going through, so we're kind of supporting each other at the moment. Let's call her... Amy. Yeah, okay, me and Amy talk a lot on Instant messaging sites and e-mails and things. Sometimes we have days where we feel like no one understands so we send each other a e-mail about what's going on and how we feel. Then the other sends back saying if they've ever been through it, what to do, words of guidance etc. etc. etc. She's been there a lot for me lately, and even though i can't talk about it with you, i am talking to someone.
I get that this must suck, hearing that i'm talking with someone that i've only known for a couple of months when i've know you for longer. I get that. I'd be annoyed too. Because, you're probably thinking 'why can't lenka talk to us? to me?' and the answer is simpler than you think. If i tell you, you lot just become another support group, not my best friends. You'd become more like someone i can dump my troubles on, not someone i can have fun in a fandom with. Even if you didn't see the situation like that, I would, and that's what scares me. i don't want to lose you.
Did you know that the NHS have no counciling schemes set up for Children under 18?
Me and my Mum were thinking about getting me someone to talk to about everything, away from the computer and in real life. We asked and they don't have any set up or planned. They say it got cut due to the government's choices to try and save money on the funds.
Just saying. That's sort of confused me. It made me feel like everyone who has something they needed to talk about couldn't talk about it. Like we were being pushed away because we're under 18 and don't understand life.
I have to go now. It's 01:40am here on the 23rd.
I love you guys, don't forget it. Thank you, your comments meant a lot to me.